Guilt
by Zer0 Signal
Summary: As college comes to a close, Buffy's worst fears come true before her eyes


AUTHOR'S COMMENTARY : The following is a very VERY dark Buffy fanfic I came up with half-asleep on a train (I'm not afraid to give up my writing secrets). All characters and events are consistent with the middle of Season FOUR, January 2000, with the exception of any future events I choose to take poetic license with, and boy do I ever. Enjoy. 

***SLIGHT SPOILER*** This is probably the saddest ending you'll ever read in a Buffy fanfic, and if you want to write me to tell me what a dark imagination I have, feel free. Don't get me wrong, I love this show, and would never wish ill harm onto any of it's characters. This came to me in a half-dream state and was just too indepth to let go without expressing it. Enjoy and send all comments to smcnally@optonline.net ***END SPOILER*** 

All characters and depictions are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. All events and plot of this story are property of me. I couldn't sue you as badly as Joss could, but don't steal anything here anyway. Thanks. 

---------------------------- 

Chapter 1 

Breezy summer days like the one Sunnydale was experiencing today are always pleasant, but to the people of this tragedy-plagued town, this one seemed sweeter than any other in recent memory. Many of the townspeople were milling about, shopping or just enjoying the weather, but no one enjoyed it more than Buffy Summers. She gazed into the perfect crystal blue sky, almost with a sense of self-satisfaction. Her years of crusading as a Slayer, and her many torments as a result, finally came to fruition. It's the summer of 2003, and thanks to the efforts of both Buffy and her loyal friends, the insatiable evil that loomed over the town had finally been quelled. With the exception of a rogue vampire or a repentant demon turning up now and again, the Hellmouth had been silenced, and a comfortable peace settled in its place. Now 21, the beautiful young protector of this grateful community was more relaxed than ever, for another chapter of her life was coming to a close : college. It was a week until graduation, and Buffy was finally able to consider a non-Slayer path for her life. She was about to take the biggest step of her life, and as always, she had her closest friends behind her. 

"Buffy!", called a voice from behind the Slayer, startling her. "Boy, you really daydream on these summer afternoons don't you?" said a cheerful Willow. She was flanked by Xander and Oz, who each greeted Buffy with a kiss on the cheek. 

"Oh, hey guys," said Buffy, returning to reality, "didn't even hear you coming." 

"You're not the only stealthy one around these parts you know," said a smiling Xander. 

"When you remember to tie your shoelaces Mr. Catburglar" quipped Willow. Xander blushed slightly, but could honestly not remember the last time he wore sneakers. Usually decked out in wingtips and a three-piece suit, Xander sped through college, graduating the year before. He now had a junior executive job at an advertising firm right outside Sunnydale. It wasn't much money, but the young Xander now had something he lacked throughout his entire life, direction. 

Buffy continued her stroll down the sidewalk, her three friends in tow. Willow and Oz held hands as was their habit, especially since a few months ago, when Oz proposed to an elated Willow. Almost instantaneously, a date had been set for three weeks after graduation, and everyone close to them anticipated the day almost as excitedly as the newlyweds did. As they walked, Buffy smiled to herself, secure in the knowledge that no matter what occurred in their lives, whether it be a new job, a marriage, or saving the world, her friends were always there for her. 

------------------------------- 

Chapter 2 

"A vacation," said Xander with an air of curiosity, "a vacation would be great. But what's the occasion? Besides the obvious that is." 

Willow quickly interrupted, "No silly, no special occasion. Just sort of a reward, for sticking together through thick and thin...and the extremely thick." 

"You consider a few near death experiences and a couple dozen curses 'extremely thick?'" Buffy laughed in a kidding tone, "Are you going soft on us Wil?" 

"All I know is, it's obvious we were meant to stick together, get through it all, you know?" answered Willow. 

"It would certainly seem that way," replied an unseen voice. The four looked to their left to see Cordelia pull up to them in her new Cadillac. 

"Cordy!" exclaimed Willow. Cordelia had been back in Sunnydale for nearly a year now, once Angel's detective agency had gone under. Luckily, her acting career took off at just the right time, and soon small commercial bits led to one-episode spots on sitcoms. Before she knew it, screenwriters were sending her two scripts a week, practically begging her to come in for a reading. She unlocked the car doors and invited the gang to ride with her to the Bronze, again a popular nightspot since the town was cleansed. The sun set at they drove down the road, passing teenagers, adults, and children walking the town with confidence. Buffy's thoughts drifted, as she marveled at what a difference the last few years made for everyone. 

Demons had been few and far between since the Initiative attained secret government funding two years ago. Within months, their soldier force had nearly tripled, while their bio-engineers created a deadly poison for just about every demon imaginable. Soon, Sunnydale worked as well as repulsing demons as it once had attracting them. The Initiative grew to track down those that remained, but still remained relatively clandestine, thanks in part to the efforts of the now Commendant Riley Finn. He and Buffy courted briefly, but the secretive nature of both their lives got in the way, and they were forced to be nothing more than acquaintances. With Angel still keeping his distance, and practically dissapearing once Cordelia returned to Sunnydale, Buffy floated from relationship to relationship, focusing more on school and other aspects of her life. She was happy, at least compared to her past heartaches. 

The vampire sect of Sunnydale fought tooth and nail with both the Slayer and the Initiative, and were beginning to gain ground again, especially when Drusilla returned to Spike after their long seperation. Newly rejuvenated, Spike became overlord to every vampire in town, and waged a vicious war on the Slayer and those she loved. The climactic battle took place almost nine months ago, yet it felt like ages ago to everyone in the car. Buffy finally destroyed Spike, while Drusilla was captured and essentially dissected by the Initiative, as an example to other vampires. A tear welled up in Buffy's eye as she remembered just what that final battle cost them. Still retaining repressed demonic traits, Spike managed to turn one of the Initiative's poisons on Anya, and she died in Xander's arms. It was enough for Buffy to find the strength to rid the world of Spike once and for all, as well as the push Xander needed to "grow up", and become a responsible adult. Buffy wished the lesson he learned didn't have to come with such cost. She could read his eyes, and she knew exactly when he was thinking about his lost Anya. 

Her trance was broken as the car pulled up to the Bronze, and the five headed into the club. Willow looked on Buffy's daydreaming with slight concern, but was glad to see Buffy flash her a quick smile as they entered the throng of happy teenagers in the Bronze. This, she thought to herself, is the life I always wanted. 

---------------------------------- 

Chapter 3 

The timing couldn't have been better. Buffy and her friends didn't even sit down, when all of a sudden, the waning light from the setting sun went to dark in a split-second. Buffy heard a familiar sound behind them, like wind rushing in a tunnel. It could only be a portal. She ordered everyone back as she ran out to investigate. Sure enough, a dimensional portal had opened, and a figure emerged from the vortex, flanked by two smaller, more humanoid creatures. A flash of light closed the portal and revealed a sight that chilled Buffy's spine like it had never been chilled before. Directly in front of her stood The Master...Spike...and a demonic giant of a creature between them. Slayer instincts kicking in, Buffy glared at the three unwelcome visitors, trying to stay intimidating while a million thoughts raced through her mind. 

"Hello luv," chirped Spike in his thick British accent, "I missed you." 

"I staked you, you murderous bastard. What are you doing back in my town?" asked Buffy indignantly. Spike just grinned. Buffy's friends caught sight of this evil conflagration, and stood shocked as the demon in the middle began to speak in a low, growling tone. 

"Slayer...I am Nazrom. I am the Overseer of the Undead. These are my disciples." Buffy was stunned. The Master...AND Spike...both answering to a higher evil. He continued. 

"You...and your friends. You have robbed us of this domain. We will take it back." 

"That's what you think pal!" shouted Cordelia, "We've beaten those two geeks before, and we eat demons like you for breakfast." Nazrom disregarded Cordelia's threats, continuing his proclamation. 

"Know this. At midnight...we shall meet here. We will defeat you and take this realm back." he snarled, before dissapearing back into the portal. 

"And it's in your best interest to show up," added The Master, "don't make us hunt you down." The Master then jumped back into the vortex, followed by Spike, but not before shooting Xander a quick wink. An enraged Xander lunged at the portal but came up with nothing but air. He slumped to the ground in a hate-filled trance. 

"I thought this was over with. I thought he was dead," growled Xander, a twinge of despair in his voice. "Will it ever be over?" 

Willow walked over and put her hand on Xander's shoulder. "We'll beat then Xander. We always do. Right Buffy?" Suddenly, four pairs of eyes were on the Slayer, the one that pulled them together a thousand times over when it seemed like they would come apart. 

"Of course we will," the obvious reply. But Buffy noticed the lack of confidence in her voice, and prayed her friends didn't also notice. 

------------------------------ 

Chapter 4 

Giles officially retired once Spike was vanquished, so Buffy had to do most of the planning herself, something that still came naturally to her. This time though, things were different. 

"That's suicide! Are you crazy?" said Willow, her voice quivering. "We're not all going to sit on the sidelines while you fight THREE major demons." 

"I'd have to agree Buffy," continued Oz, "not that you can't take care of yourself, but we've always been there for you and we're not about to stop just because we're all a little rusty with the saving-the-world thing." 

A still dejected Xander turned to Buffy. "Please...don't do this. Not without us." 

"None of you understand!" Buffy snapped back, "This isn't high school anymore. You all have futures to protect now, real futures, not just potential. This isn't your responsibility, and it never was. You're always there for me, right? Let me be there for you. Let me handle this." All were speechless, until a dark, familiar voice broke the silence. 

"I won't accept that" 

Buffy spun around. "Angel..." she said with masked enthusiasm. "You're back" 

"And you're crazy," he replied, "to think you can take on two head vampires AND an overseer. You won't succeed without backup." 

"For the last time, I'm not putting any of you in danger!" Buffy screamed. "Those days are over. This is my responsibility and my destiny. Stay out of it." And with that, she stormed out of the Bronze to await the stroke of midnight, as her stunned friends rode away in Cordelia's car. 

------------------------------------- 

Chapter 5 

The full moon shone down on the alley. Midnight came almost instantly, and before Buffy even realized it, her three adversaries appeared in front of her. 

"Dont ask me why," said Spike, "but the boss here wants this to be a fair fight, so he's keepin' his legions at bay. It's just us three against you, Slaygirl." 

"Just the way I like it," snarled Buffy. As she approached her enemies, she heard a crossbow fire somewhere around them. Suddenly, a bolt hit Spike in the back of his neck. He screamed in pain, and turned to see Cordelia holding the spent crossbow. 

"Cordy! I asked you not to come!" yelled Buffy frantically, but before she could speak the words, she saw her friends appear out of the darkness. She barely had time to react before they converged on Spike and The Master. 

"So much for the fair fight," elucidated The Master, as he prepared to do battle against Werewolf Oz. Willow stood back and began to chant a spell, her wiccan abilities blossoming over the past few years, while Xander attacked tbe stunned Spike with a stake. Cordelia readied herself for another shot. 

Buffy was enraged at her friends' carelessness, but kept her mind on the battle at hand. 

"Looks like it's just you and me, Nazrom." she said with impunity, "I'm sending you home." 

"Hahahaha...foolish mortal," the demon growled, "This has all gone perfectly to plan. Now I will expose your true weakness Slayer." 

"And what might that be, Hellboy?" she asked. 

"In all your battles, in all your endeavors, you have counted on your friends for support. At this point, they'd rush into a conflict with or without your blessing. But you Slayer, you're conflicted. You want to be dependable...self-reliant. You want to be the one that's there for them. Now would be your ideal chance, except for one problem." And with that, the demon began a strange incantation. Buffy charged with her stake, only to fall to the ground a few steps later, paralyzed and weakened. 

"What...have...you...done to me?" asked a frozen Buffy. 

"I've taken you out of this equation. Now your friends will have to make the ultimate sacrifice to save you. And you won't be there for them, not this time," laughed Nazrom maniacally. Buffy struggled to move but she couldn't. The battle raged on, almost in slow motion, in front of her terrified eyes. 

Xander, with all his rage focused, still couldn't hope to overpower Spike. Spike threw him to the floor, grabbed the stake from his hand, and jammed it deep into Xander's chest. Buffy screamed in absolute horror as she watched her impaled friend die in front of her. Cordelia dropped her crossbow and froze in fear, as Spike swooped in on her and in one quick motion, bit through her jugular vein, killing her instantly. Tears streamed down Buffy's face, as her rage transformed into frenzy, yet she could do nothing. 

Willow, seeing what had just happened, aimed the fireball she had just conjured up at Spike. The vampire never had a chance, and was immolated into nothing on the spot. Unfortunately, The Master had Oz beaten, and snapped his neck in front of a horrified Willow. She screamed and blindly charged the vampire, only to have her blood drained and her body tossed aside like a rag doll. Buffy couldn't believe her eyes. Her worst fears were coming true. Her friends were dying and there was nothing she could do. 

From nowhere, Angel blindsided The Master with a stake through the heart, dusting him instantly. Angel stood before Nazrom, now in full vampire form. 

"Ahh...Angelus, my disciple. You have the audacity to fight for this mortal girl?" asked Nazrom. 

"I've never been your disciple..and you don't belong here!" Angel yelled, attacking the demon full force. Nazrom sidestepped a charging Angel, and opened a portal back to Hell, with the intent to escape. 

"Angel!" screamed Buffy, "let him go! We've lost so much...so much." She could barely speak without choking on her tears. Angel turned to her solemnly. 

"I love you. Always remember that. But I can't let him go." And with that, Angel followed Nazrom into the gate to Hell, which closed behind them with a flash of light. Buffy could move again, but she couldn't find the strength. The alley was littered with the bodies of her best friends. The people she failed to protect. She wept softly, as the moon became obscured by clouds and everything went dark... 

---------------------------------- 

Chapter 6 

"Ms. Summers?" 

"Wake up, Ms. Summers". A soft female voice beckoned Buffy to open her eyes, which she did very slowly. 

"The dream again, wasn't it?" she asked. Buffy just stared into space. She heard the woman, but felt no urge to answer. She slid into the corner of the room and just stared. The woman shook her head and exited the room. 

"A shame, isn't it?" asked her male companion outside the room, "bright girl, whole life ahead of her..." 

"Complete mental breakdown," interrupted the woman, "but that kind of ordeal will do that to you, I suppose." The sun shone in on the all-white room Buffy Summers resided in. Her hair was a matted mess, and she was covered in a cold sweat from her most recent nightmare. The one she has almost every night. 

It was only a few weeks after graduation. Buffy and her friends had made it out of college, and the big vacation they had planned was set to go off without a hitch. Even Angel was coming along. They would charter a private plane to the Bahamas and spend a week just living it up and relaxing. 

Then a few days before the trip, along came Nazrom. A new demon, nothing too extraordinary, but enough for Buffy to back out of the trip. She insisted she'd take a flight a day or two later, and for her friends to start the vacation without her. Reluctantly, they agreed. Nazrom was defeated in short order. The next day, it all fell apart. 

"Plane goes down over Pacific Ocean...bodies of four college graduates found." read the doctor aloud. "Daniel Osborne, Alexander Harris, Cordelia Chase, and Willow Rosenberg. I can't imagine losing that many friends at once." 

"And to make it worse, she was supposed to be on that plane with them, Doctor," added the nurse. "The guilt was enough to push her over the edge." 

"But what could she have done to prevent this?" asked the Doctor. 

"Nothing," said the Nurse, "but I think she wanted to be there with them. They were very close. What I don't understand is where her delusions came from. Vampire slaying? Demons? It's an odd way to cope with loss of loved ones, isn't it?" 

Buffy could hear the faint voices of the hospital staff. Oh how little they understood. The Slayer was real. Everything she dreamt up to the return of Spike and The Master was true. She was the Slayer right up to and after college. It was being the Slayer that kept her from being at her friends' sides when the end came. And yet, that's not what pushed her over the edge. A seemingly unrelated news clipping under the one the doctor had, read "Charred corpse found off coast of Pacific island." Angel was on that plane, and though the crash hadn't killed him, washing ashore unconscious surely did. Thus begain Buffy's descent into madness. She lifted her head just enough to look outside. Another beautiful day in Sunnydale. She hoped it'd be a while before she had to sleep again. 

end smcnally@optonline.net (if you come away from this story with a bad taste in your mouth, i succeeded) 


End file.
